A Quick Visit with Jack

A Saturday Rant (on Thurs.) 11/1/97

[posted Thursday, before leaving]

A QUICK VISIT WITH JACK

I knew I was crazy to do it, but since I was going to the East coast on Friday
to attend the Mid-Atlantic Publishers Conference and heckle Dan Poynter, and
then start an extended marketing trip, I thought it would be fun to fly down to
LA and meet with Jack Darling.

 Or should I say Phil Ledendron.

Some of you might remember that Jack, the spouse of Irene,(owner of Faranganar
Press) wrote some teen adventure novels early in his career under the nom de
plume of Phil Ledendron. Jack was in Hollywood working on the screenplay of one
of these books and we met at the Planet Hollywood restaurant.

I arrived a few minutes early and was shown to a table by a Clark Gable
wanna-be. I was looking at the menu when I hear my name called, sounding like it
was coming from the voice of God. Al Canton, my man. How you be doin' dude?

I looked up while repeating the words be doin' dude" in my mind. Nobody I know
speaks like that, I thought.

I thought wrong.

Walking over to me is Jack, dressed in a John Travolta white suit with black
shirt cut down to his navel. He has the white belt, the white shoes, and about
fifteen gold chains of different lengths around his neck. He looked like Sony
Bono doing a Pat Boone imitation. Who is this guy and why is he speaking to me?

"Jack? Is that really you? What? Did Halloween come a few days early? Why are
you dressed in a leisure suit, looking like lounge lizard Larry?"

"Al, my man, you are not cool! This is Tinsel Town. You gotta look the look,"
Jack says standing right in front of me.

"Thanks, Jack, but I don't want to look like Peter Pan in drag. What's really
going on," I answered

"Its a new me. Hollywood Phil. I'm young, I'm hip, I'm part of the scene."

"You're old, you're square, and you're insane."

"Come on, Al, think out of the box. Be cool. It's the nineties," Jack said
turning toward the door and waving at someone.

"I want you to meet a friend." A tall early thirty something brunette started
making her way toward our table. Everyone turned their head. When she got closer
I saw why.

"This is Rhonda Lay, she is my leading lady, direct from Egypt." Rhonda smiled
and they both sat down.

I always wanted to visit Egypt and see the pyramids. Now I don't have to as they
were sitting next to me. Miss Lay had on a short leather skirt, but not as short
as I've seen on other women. However, she wore a blouse that was thinner than
mosquito netting. You could almost see through it better than you could see
through most windows. I knew she must be a feminist, having decided to burn her
bra instead of wearing it this morning.

"Ronda, Al's a book publisher as well as author, like me," Jack said.

"Oooh, I just love books," Rhonda cooed. "Every week I read TV Guide cover to
cover. And I buy every one the author writes? Do you write TV Guide?"

"Uh, no Rhonda, sorry I don't. I think it might be beyond my capabilities," I
said, shooting Jack a 'what the hell is going on' type of look.

"Rhonda is playing the environmental engineer who ends up saving the Grand
Canyon from industrial pollution caused by an evil mining company," Jack said. I
vaguely remembered the plot of his book, although I could not remember the
title.

Rhonda sort of blushed at the attention. "I never played an engineer before.
I've been a call girl, a warrior princess, and a bartender, but never an
engineer. I can't wait to see the trains. I just love trains, don't you Jack."

"They're cool baby, just like you. Al, I love this place. Hollywood is so neat.
Here, a writer on a potential hit series is really somebody. It's not like it is
in the publishing world where they treat us like dirt. I'm a star here. They
love me. Do you know they have someone assigned to just get me whatever I want
to drink, or eat, or whatever?"

I had a good idea of what the ever" was!

"Jack, don't you know that this town swallows people, chews them up, and spits
them out like sunflower seeds? My friend, you're headed for a fall."

"Ooooh, Jack, there's my friend Pati, you know, from General Hospital? I'll be
back in a flash. I must say 'boo' to her," Rhonda said getting up. She walked
across the restaurant giving everyone a pretty good tour of Egypt.

"Jack, don't tell me you're boffing this babe?"

"Are you kidding? Sure I had a fleeting thought about it, but her boyfriend is a
body-builder and works as an extra on Baywatch. Don't let Ronda fool you. The
dumb blonde thing is all an act. Just like Charo. This gal has a great head for
business," said Jack.

I shuttered to think what that really meant in a town like LA (or anywhere else
for that matter).

"I'm telling you Al, you'd never know this was the age of restraint, safe sex,
caution. The guys down here, I swear they get more ass than a toilet seat."

I remembered that line from The Dear Hunter, said by the same guy who played
Frado in the Godfather. He is now dead. I wonder from what.

"And besides, no one can be discreet in this burg. All you have to do is wink at
someone and your puss is in the tabloids. No, you don't have to worry about this
old dog. Irene would put a contract out one me if she thought I was messing
around."

Well, she didn't the last few times Jack got caught, but he didn't know I knew
the whole story. And besides, Irene was no vestal virgin herself, having done a
few numbers with some authors you all would know, as well as a famous news
anchor.

"So what is with the retro-seventies look? If I remember, it made you barf back
then. So why are you wearing this stuff."

"It's the character, man. I'm going to be in pictures. I demanded a cameo role
in the shoot and they caved. I get to play a night club singer who is hired to
romance the engineer to get some information he can pass along to the evil
company."

"I don't remember that being in your book."

"What book? Do you think any of these people care about my book? Do you think
any of them can read? They like the title, the basic plot, and a few of the
characters. The rest is all up for grabs. I must have rewritten it about 10
times. Believe me, I'm earning me keep around here, not that the scenery is too
bad!"

Rhonda Lay returned and sat down. "Oooh, Jack, Pati said she thinks she can get
me a role on Star Trek. She says I'm perfect for the part. They need a Dabo
girl. What's a Dabo girl?"

"Dabo is a futuristic casino game where a beautiful show-girl type spins a
wheel. I'd say you are almost dressed for the part right now," I explained.

"Oh, way cool. Hey, if you got em, keep em."

"I think the expression is 'flaunt' them'," I said.

"Haunt them? They're not haunted,  they're real. Can't you see that?" she said.
I then realized that Jack was right. She was not that good an actress. She could
not be that dumb.

"Rhonda, level with me. Jack told me the truth. You're not who you are acting
like, are you?," I asked.

"Damn it, Jack. Why did you have to spoil the fun. And I was doing so well too,
wasn't I Jack?" she said.

"OK, I give up. Al, meet the assistant director and star of the show, Susan
Russell, aka Rhonda Lay,"

Rhonda smiled. "It's true. I'm really more of a director than an actress. And
you can stare all you like. I started as a model and quickly got used to men
looking at me. It is all part of the power thing. You don't make it in this town
on ability, you make it on your looks, your publicity value, your contacts, and
your luck."

"Yeah, this is no place for a serious author, which is probably why I fit in so
well. Honest, Al, I do like it here. You don't have to be good, you just have to
be cool," said Jack

I've been giving Jack 'cool' lessons'," Rhonda said. "Do you have any idea how
hard it was to get him out of his blue blazer and his button down shirt."

I got a quick vision of Rhonda 'getting' Jack out of his blazer and shirt.

"Well, I must admit it took a while, but I'm really into the LA thing. And I'm
going to see if we can move down here," Jack replied.

"Well, you definitely look the part," I told him.

"It's image, dude, it's all image."

"Jack's right. Everyone is playing a role here, so you just have to play along
and you can get to be big. And that's what it's all about, isn't it?," Rhonda
said.

"It must be, or there wouldn't be so many people doing it," I said. Let's order
lunch."

We discussed his project, the role of women in TV, and the relationship of books
to film. Rhonda was indeed a lot smarter than she looked. I'm sure her role
model was Madonna, who as everyone knows is an entire industry.

Our conversation made me think about the future of literacy and literature in
our society. I knew I'd have something to ponder on the plane to Baltimore.

Alan N. Canton
Vice-president
Adams-Blake Publishing

http://www.adams-blake.com

[Copyright 1997 by Alan N. Canton. This material may be re-published on any
Internet listserv or Usenet newsgroup without prior permission by the copyright
holder. Any other re-publication is prohibited without express permission of the
copyright holder.]